History
is unrepeatable, historians say, but it can be re-lived many times in
one's memory. I like to savor my successes; my failures I'd rather
forget. I'm gradually wondering, however, "How much I owe to the day
that, when called to failure, my steps were constrained to go."
Blunders,
mistakes and missed opportunities could then be a means of grace and
great blessing if I accept them as part of my call. "Souls that conquer
must at first be the souls that fail." I wish there was another way.
Through
humiliation "strength is baffled," I am disabused of my illusions of
grandeur and brought very low. I do not like this. There, I am learning
"to meet with the lowly."[1] with my losses enabling me "to find the heart of man," i.e., to
get "in touch" with others' feelings. I can surely empathize with those
who have fallen; I can quickly accept and love them as no other can.
But
must I let go of regret. "As long as I remain [constrained] by things
that I wish had not happened-mistakes I wish I had not made-part of my
heart remains isolated, unable to bear fruit in the new life ahead of
me."[2] Brooding over past disasters has and will continue to intimidate
me, turning me away from love; feelings of inadequacy will always
isolate me, making me afraid to venture out again.
So
I guess I can say that accepting my failures is simple proof that I am
inadequate indeed. In the core of my being, God's strength is made
perfect in this weakness with grace to turn outward to others and to do
so with greater compassion, sensitivity, wisdom and understanding. Thus
it logically suggests that my mistakes are redeemed and put to God's
intended purpose.
Failure is not ruinous; I am called to failure and owe much to each day that I fail. The lessons that we learn there, "are worth the price of the gale."
[1] I think Matheson is thinking here of Romans 12:16 and Paul's admonition to "associate with the lowly."
[2] Henri Nouwen
John Fischer
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